I want to throw some light on a myth … A lot of parents out there have heard about the “importance” of being regulated around their kids. That part is true - regulation is important. … What gets confused though, is what regulation actually means. Somehow folks have the idea that “regulated” equals calm but that’s not always the case.
As if parenting isn’t hard enough without believing that in order to be a “good” parent we need to be calm 24/7 … Holy shit the pressure of that belief is enough to stress any parent out.
Regulated doesn’t always mean calm it actually means… “I’m feeling [what evs I’m feeling] AND I’m mindful and aware of myself”
That’s a relief I reckon’ because let’s face it if the only feeling we had access to in life was “calm” we’d all be bored as bat shit. We came to earth to experience and FEEL it all - remember?
So (I’m going to use myself as an example here) being regulated means I can be feeling calm …OR/ angry, sad, frustrated, bored, tired, scared, excited, silly, inspired, grieving, overwhelmed … (any emotion)… AND I can also think clearly, make a conscious choice, notice my breath, feel grounded, speak and recognise I’m IN my body. Essentially I can feel the feels AND remain connected to myself. (My energy isn’t leaking out all over the place.) Not always easy right? …
Here’s a prime example … As well as Play Therapy I also facilitate a Kids Group a few times a week. Kids Group is attuned group play for 2 to 5 year old kids (the group size is 6 kids maximum.) I’m an Attunement Facilitator so it’s my ‘job’ to stay as regulated as I can and help others co-regulate. I’m a fairly calm and grounded person but believe me I’m not always feeling “calm” at Kids Group. It’s easy for me to attune with one child at a time or even two or three but what about the inevitable moments when when ALL six have “stuff” going on at once … Imagine one kid has wet his pants, another wants help getting the lid off his snack, one wants a cuddle, one decides she wants to practise balancing on a something ‘risky’, and two others have decided they both want the same toy … NOW! … Do you feel calm even reading about that? Probs not.
As an Attunement Facilitator (and highly sensitive person) in those moments I’m not just aware of myself, I’m aware and feeling it ALL … I’m feeling little Johnny is embarrassed about wetting his pants. I’m feeling little Timmy is feeling hesitant about asking for help -( he SO wants to be independent, I know he only wants me to open his lid a little bit so he can do the rest himself.) I’m feeling little Sally wants a cuddle because she’s feeling lonely (her parents have been really busy, dealing with some “stuff.”) I’m feeling little Steph is feeling empowered and wants to see how capable she is at balancing on the log AND I’m assesing the risk. And I’m feeling little Bob feels frustrated because he wants the toy now and hasn’t learnt patience yet and little Betty feels sad because Bob tried to snatch it from her and it’s hurt her feelings.
In those moments with all that to FEEL, I also have my own feelings to feel (perhaps frustration or overwhelm or impatience … ) In those moments my practise is to stay regulated OR if my nervous system is pushed beyond regulation my practise is to get regulated. Before I physically attend to anyone else I HAVE to come back to myself (the ol’ put your face mask on first scenario.)
When this happens I use the opportunity to role model my own regulation to the kids so I might say something like “Woah, I feel a bit overwhelmed right now - Before I help anyone, I need to “smell the roses and blow out the candles.” (and I take a couple of quick breaths in and a long breath out.) Or I might say “There’s a lot going on right now, I need some space for 1 minute.” (and put my arms out to signify where my physical space is.)
Kids respond REALLY well to authenticity and clear requests in those moments. Usually as if by miracle, most of the situations will sort themselves out “in the space”. And once I’m regulated I “triage” the situation … slow it right down and deal with things one step at a time.
When I’m working with parent/s and child/ren in Play Therapy my role is to FEEL it all, put words to it, and when emotions get heightened, regulate myself so I can co-regulate (help the parent and child regulate.) You’ve gotta’ remember the parent & child are there because they push each others buttons & need some support. I FEEL it ALL … everything the parent feels, everything the child feels AND my own feelings… I’m (mostly) regulated but it’s never JUST about feeling the emotion of calm.
Speaking of pushing buttons … Our own kids push our buttons in completely unique ways … (it’s our soul contract) remaining regulated when a button is pushed by our own kids can sometimes be impossible (if no one has ever co-regulated with us) I reckon’ understanding that “regulated” doesn't always mean calm takes some pressure off.
I’m here to walk alongside parents & kids , to create space for ALL feelings to be seen, held & witnessed. The parenting journey takes us ‘home’ to ourselves in THE deepest way. If we’re brave enough to reach for support and BE with ALL our feelings we can learn to “be mindful & aware of ourselves” (most of the time - but definately not ALWAYS) … even whilst the shit is hitting the fan!
Much Love, Em x
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