The other day I was chatting with a man who is a full time, stay-at-home-dad. Not entirely unusual now days, except that he parents alongside his wife who is also a full time, stay-at-home-mum. They currently have a toddler and another on the way. To some this might sound ‘far out’ but this new/*old family dynamic is becoming almost “normal” in my home town of Byron Bay where more than a few families are blessed with financial abundance AND the desire to parent differently to how they were parented.
Chatting with this dad got me pondering a LOT … To be honest I can’t even imagine what it would be like to parent full time alongside the other parent. I had my first born 20 odd years ago, when I was living in the country as a “farmer’s wife.” When it was time to leave hospital after the birth, my then husband dropped me off at home (to be all alone in the farm house with the baby) jumped in his ute and went straight to work. I really wanted to be a ‘good’ wife & ‘good’ mum so I kept quiet. He really wanted to be a ‘good’ husband & ‘good’ father so he kept working. Truth is I was 24 years old, indoctrinated by my life in the country and yet to realise I (as a woman) could speak up and ask for what I needed. Add to all that I’d had an emergency cesarean and both my bub and I had experienced what I now know to be birth trauma. Not only was I super anxious, I also couldn't drive while I was recovering from the operation. I was terrified, alone & “trapped” in the house as well as my own head. Not exactly the dreamy, loved-up, new-mum kinda’ feels I’d imagined as a young woman who had always wanted to be a mum.
Sounds kinda’ harsh … AND yet my experience was evolution in the patriarchal culture of farming when just a generation before, most expectant mums were dropped at the hospital entrance whilst in labour “to do their women’s stuff” and then collected 10 days later when it was time to return home. Both my dad and my ex-husband’s dad weren’t even in the delivery room or hospital with our mums when they gave birth, my maternal grandfather was often away with the army and not even in the same country when my maternal grandmother gave birth (to their 18 children.) Even if these husbands had have been with their labouring wives, there’s no way back then men would have had the emotional tools to be ‘present’ let alone to attune with their wife’s emotions - they had no reference point for any of it. … Thankfully, as humans- when we know better we do better. That’s evolution!
As Grace & evolution would have it, my new-mum experience not only led to my first spiritual awakening it also called me to later work in Cambodia where I was fascinated by the concept of a “village” when it came to raising family. It seemed so much more natural to see generations of family living alongside each other, connecting, attuning and helping out where necessary. After 10 years supporting Aussie clients on holistic retreat in Cambodia I came to realise people living in “developing” countries are sometimes hungry for food AND a lot of us living in “developed” countries are absolutely starving for authentic connection. It became blatantly obvious we had our cultural/ societal concepts of family and “wealth” kinda’ messed up.
There’s a million layers to all of this of course, I mean society was founded upon slaves and later maintained by women providing unpaid labour in the home. I remember once doing a sociology assignment on the topic of “The Gendered Division of Household Chores” … Holy shit was that a rabbit hole! I guess what I’m trying to say (in a bloody long winded way) - is there are a million layers wrapped around the idea of “family” and we are ALL struggling to find OUR own way amongst all of it. We have so much personal work to do to untangle ourselves from historical & cultural indoctrinations let alone generational and familial! It’s big work and it’d be “nice” to think one day we might all embrace our inner-work as THE most important work (for the planet.)
…Anyway back to the stay-at-home-dad I was chatting with… he was gracious enough to tell me that being a stay-at-home-dad is THE hardest thing he has ever done. He once wore the identity of “successful businessman, managing 30 staff” with relative ease and a whole lot of passion & drive. But managing a two & a half year old daughter, a home and all the “history” that rises to the surface when one decides one wants to parent differently and be a ‘good’ parent is a whole-nother ball game!
My heart felt comforted by his authenticity when he was able to put words to the unspoken experience of so many mothers & primary care-givers by saying: “When I was at work, I felt so connected, in some ways it was like I was flirting with the world so I was always feeling passionate & inspired. Full time parenting is tough, there’s no passion, no real inspiration. I’m faced with all my own stuff as I try to be a good dad to my daughter. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Going back to work would be so much easier.”
And there it is: the TRUTH for SO many mothers (spoken out loud by a father!) Thing is - in order to create real change, we have to start by getting… REAL! Which means being completely honest about how we feel in any given moment. Women are faced with so much shame around how we’re “supposed” to “feel, be & act” as mums. The shame is age-old (a part of the societal ‘set up’ that keeps everyone in their designated place.) There’s a lotta’ brave work to be done.
It is possible to make parenting a juicy journey. Home CAN be a “creative” space to ‘show up’ and learn about ourselves and each other. The truth however is that doing ‘the work’ doesn't mean we’ll ever become perfect parents (we won’t!) and it doesn’t mean family life will ever be perfect (it won’t!) … It does mean we will deepen the connection with ourself and each other and we will find grace in the inevitable fk ups and moments of mis-attunement, in fact those messy moments will bring us closer. (Yippeeee no need to pretend or try to be perfect.) And together as a family we WILL heal generational trauma for future generations.
How? At the end of the day every human on earth wants to experience authenticity AND connection. Those two experiences get separated at a very young age when we innocently & inevitably “trigger” our parents (& their old wounds) and judging by their reaction we “learn” we can express our authentic emotions and needs but lose the connection OR/ we can shut down our authentic emotions and needs to maintain the connection. Shitty choice huh! … And then we spend the rest of our lives unconsciously seeking authentic connection while setting up the exact same childhood experiences we’re still needing to heal. What a WILD journey (no wonder “working” outside of the home, far away from any deep, emotional ‘triggers’ feels so much easier. It IS easier.)
To be honest I don’t think the world will change for the better until we’re brave enough to come ‘home’ to ourselves and our families and do the REAL work to deepen the connection with ourselves, partners and children. I’m not saying the ideal family situation is becoming full time, stay-at home, ‘woke’ parents. What I am saying is perhaps we need to let go of the false belief that there even is an “ideal” family situation because every relationship and every parent/ child relationship is so VERY unique.
Now days as an Attunement Facilitator and Play Therapist I support lots of ‘fortunate’ families to tune in with them selves and their own unique relationship/ family dynamic. Essentially (via play) I give kids the space to rewrite family history and I give parents what they didn't receive in childhood (an opportunity to be authentic and feel connected) so they can pass that opportunity onto their kids.
Parents can love their children to the moon & back AND still say parenting and family life is bloody tough at times (it’s tough because we care SO deeply.) As far as I can tell authenticity and connection is the new generational wealth and kids will lead the way ‘home’ (if we’re brave enough to follow them.)
xo
*I say new/ “old” because back in the day, Royal families were often made up of two “stay at home parents” … except royal parents weren’t really involved in the hands on raising of their heirs (children) and a lot of husbands & wives didn't even like each other. Ahhhh the foundations society was built upon.